The Change

I recently realized something about myself. The roots of this discovery are found in my childhood (big surprise). When I was born I had severe food allergies. Once my mother could no longer nurse me, I couldn’t eat anything without getting very sick. I’m told I was in a lot of pain. I got so weak I couldn’t hold myself up. The doctors were concerned and felt I wouldn’t survive if they couldn’t find something I could hold down. They tried everything. Finally they got permission to try an experimental baby formula still in development. It was call Nutramigen, still widely used today. As far as I know, other than lab rodents, I was the first baby to enjoy the stuff. Long story short, it worked and it allowed me the time to slowly grow out of my food allergies. Interesting to note that after the formula, I ate Spam, rice and bananas until I was 5 years old.

I’ve since learned in my study of human development, that early childhood illness can lead to attachment anxiety. I was a very fearful child, which lead to an exaggerated desire to please others. I often based decisions on what others wanted or expected of me. I wanted to make them happy to guarantee my security. At the same time, I was stubborn and wanted my own needs met too. So here is my personal discovery, I developed a pattern of doing what was expected to make other happy, but then becoming passive-aggressive in getting my own needs met. When I made decisions based on what others wanted of me, I wouldn’t really own that decision. After all, I was just doing it for them. I didn’t take responsibility for my decisions, and my subsequent passive-aggressive behaviors confirmed that. Well this pattern has followed me all throughout my adult life leading to a feeling of being out of control and inauthentic at work, church and even in my marriage. I felt like the victim and life was just happening to me.

About 2 months ago I decided I needed to take control and break this pattern. This meant my decisions had to be mine, what I wanted. Now this may sound selfish, but it’s not in my mind. I can decide to help someone else, or sacrifice for someone else, just as easily as I can decide to focus just on me. What I’m talking about is doing things for the right reasons and being accountable for whatever decisions I make. This is probably so second nature to most of you that you may have trouble understanding my predicament. This new personal stance required that I question every decision I had ever made and either discard it or recommit to it. Even my marriage had to be reexamined. In particular, I found my participation in the LDS church was full of these decisions based on others expectations of me. Here more than anywhere else, my life was not my own. In addition, the LDS doctrine teaches that men are that they might have joy through the plan of happiness. Yet, when I looked at my experience, I couldn’t really say it was bringing me happiness. I have felt good in church at times, but in general it brought a feeling of anxiety, or not being good enough. I didn’t measure up to all the expectations nor did I want to in many cases.

As a counselor I teach a principle I firmly believe in, that principle is, “you have to have the power to say ‘no’ before you can have the power to say ‘yes’.” I had never exercised that power to say no when it came to religion. I decided if I was ever going to get past my feelings of being “acted upon” in the church, I had to exercise that power. I couldn’t really make the decision to be a faithful member until I had made the decision not to be. You see, I have to get to the place where there are no expectations of me attending church, or participating in it. Then, and only then, can I decide if it’s truly what I want. I know this probably sounds dangerous to many of my friends and family in the church. You don’t leave the church. Yet, I hope this explanation helps you understand a little better why I’m doing what I’m doing. This may not be the right path for everyone, but I feel it is for me.
This brings us back to our topic, ‘searching for true happiness.’ For me living an inauthentic life of pleasing others when it didn’t feel like it was what I wanted, was not a path to happiness. I don’t think a “victim” can ever really feel happy as long as they remain a victim. We have to have a sense of control and empowerment in our lives. I don’t blame anyone other than myself for my ‘victimness’. I was both the victimizer and the victim in my life. The good news is that means I have the power to change it.