Is The Chase On?

I can tell its time for a new entry into the “blissful blog of happiness.” First let me thank everyone who has contributed offline to this topic. I understand it can be uncomfortable to post publicly, but even your offline comments have been interesting and helpful.

This entry is going to be completely focused on starting to examine our question of how to find happiness. First let me start by quoting a popular LDS scripture. We are told “…men are, that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25). I believe this! I even think it’s built into our human DNA. We are driven to find joy, happiness, satisfaction, pleasure, and we shy away from suffering, unhappiness, and pain.

The Dalai Lama said: “I believe that the very purpose of our like is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness…”

At this point, I must also point out that I feel, (but am not yet certain), that there are probably many paths to happiness, and most likely a very individual journey. However, I also believe there are probably “best practices”, things that work well and others that don’t. It’s interesting, as I’ve focused on the idea of exploring happiness, its come to my attention that there is information everywhere. This is a popular and rich topic, with lots of completed research and published findings and theories. For all these reasons, I’m excited to explore many different viewpoints, sources and ideas. I know one of my friends is even conducting his own little primary research project on the topic. I’m sure he’ll publish what he finds on the blog.

So let’s deal with the most fundamental question, the answer to which could even challenge my assumption above. Can we pursue happiness?

Henry David Thoreau was credited with saying: “Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.”

Some research has shown that your talent for happiness is, to a large degree, determined by your genes. Psychology professor David T Lykken, author of Happiness: Its Nature and Nurture, says that “trying to be happier is like trying to be taller.” We each have a “happiness set point,” he argues, and move away from it only slightly.

Yet, other psychologists who study happiness believe we can pursue it. We can do this by thwarting negative emotions such as pessimism, resentment and anger. And we can foster positive emotions, such as empathy, serenity, and especially gratitude.

I’ll open up this fundamental argument for discussion, but for the record I believe they are probably both right. It seems reasonable to me that everyone has a different set point of happiness which is influenced by genetics, but I also believe we can influence the level of our happiness. One idea that seems to be consistent through many different sources is that happiness is a choice. Not something that happens to you or that you find, but rather a state of mind you can choose.

Again quoting the Dalai Lama (because I’m reading a book of his – The Art of Happiness): “Happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events. Success may result in a temporary feeling of elation, or tragedy may send us into a period of depression, but sooner or later our overall level of happiness tends to migrate back to a certain baseline…This is because our moment-to-moment happiness is largely determined by our outlook. In fact, whether we are feeling happy or unhappy at any given moment often has very little to do with our absolute conditions but, rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation, how satisfied we are with what we have.”

And I might also add, “who we are.”

So Dalai is saying not only is happiness a state of mind it is a “peace of mind.” This feels good to me, at least as part of the answer. I think I’m going to pursue this idea for awhile. The question this naturally brings up is, how can we begin to enter this state of mind?

The Change

I recently realized something about myself. The roots of this discovery are found in my childhood (big surprise). When I was born I had severe food allergies. Once my mother could no longer nurse me, I couldn’t eat anything without getting very sick. I’m told I was in a lot of pain. I got so weak I couldn’t hold myself up. The doctors were concerned and felt I wouldn’t survive if they couldn’t find something I could hold down. They tried everything. Finally they got permission to try an experimental baby formula still in development. It was call Nutramigen, still widely used today. As far as I know, other than lab rodents, I was the first baby to enjoy the stuff. Long story short, it worked and it allowed me the time to slowly grow out of my food allergies. Interesting to note that after the formula, I ate Spam, rice and bananas until I was 5 years old.

I’ve since learned in my study of human development, that early childhood illness can lead to attachment anxiety. I was a very fearful child, which lead to an exaggerated desire to please others. I often based decisions on what others wanted or expected of me. I wanted to make them happy to guarantee my security. At the same time, I was stubborn and wanted my own needs met too. So here is my personal discovery, I developed a pattern of doing what was expected to make other happy, but then becoming passive-aggressive in getting my own needs met. When I made decisions based on what others wanted of me, I wouldn’t really own that decision. After all, I was just doing it for them. I didn’t take responsibility for my decisions, and my subsequent passive-aggressive behaviors confirmed that. Well this pattern has followed me all throughout my adult life leading to a feeling of being out of control and inauthentic at work, church and even in my marriage. I felt like the victim and life was just happening to me.

About 2 months ago I decided I needed to take control and break this pattern. This meant my decisions had to be mine, what I wanted. Now this may sound selfish, but it’s not in my mind. I can decide to help someone else, or sacrifice for someone else, just as easily as I can decide to focus just on me. What I’m talking about is doing things for the right reasons and being accountable for whatever decisions I make. This is probably so second nature to most of you that you may have trouble understanding my predicament. This new personal stance required that I question every decision I had ever made and either discard it or recommit to it. Even my marriage had to be reexamined. In particular, I found my participation in the LDS church was full of these decisions based on others expectations of me. Here more than anywhere else, my life was not my own. In addition, the LDS doctrine teaches that men are that they might have joy through the plan of happiness. Yet, when I looked at my experience, I couldn’t really say it was bringing me happiness. I have felt good in church at times, but in general it brought a feeling of anxiety, or not being good enough. I didn’t measure up to all the expectations nor did I want to in many cases.

As a counselor I teach a principle I firmly believe in, that principle is, “you have to have the power to say ‘no’ before you can have the power to say ‘yes’.” I had never exercised that power to say no when it came to religion. I decided if I was ever going to get past my feelings of being “acted upon” in the church, I had to exercise that power. I couldn’t really make the decision to be a faithful member until I had made the decision not to be. You see, I have to get to the place where there are no expectations of me attending church, or participating in it. Then, and only then, can I decide if it’s truly what I want. I know this probably sounds dangerous to many of my friends and family in the church. You don’t leave the church. Yet, I hope this explanation helps you understand a little better why I’m doing what I’m doing. This may not be the right path for everyone, but I feel it is for me.
This brings us back to our topic, ‘searching for true happiness.’ For me living an inauthentic life of pleasing others when it didn’t feel like it was what I wanted, was not a path to happiness. I don’t think a “victim” can ever really feel happy as long as they remain a victim. We have to have a sense of control and empowerment in our lives. I don’t blame anyone other than myself for my ‘victimness’. I was both the victimizer and the victim in my life. The good news is that means I have the power to change it.

What and Why

My life is changing. I have been feeling now for months that a major change was going to happen in my life. Maybe it was just me anticipating doing what I felt I had to do, or maybe it was something more. This change in my life is really about my search for happiness, ….meaningful, lasting happiness. In the process, challenging everything I know about my life and relooking at it with new eyes. I think I’ve toyed with happiness in the past, and even helped others get closer to it, but I don’t think I’m as close to it as I want, or even need to be. Some of my friends say I think too much. Maybe they are right, but it’s still something I have to do. I believe obtaining happiness or joy is the purpose of our existence, and because of that a worthy topic for discussion.

The idea for this blog came as I sat eating dinner with a group of special friends who were concerned with some of my recent decisions. In the past we’ve shared in each others life successes and struggles, so it felt right that we were openly discussing my situation. In fact, I welcomed their concern. I wouldn’t want to go through any major change without good friends surrounding me. Part way through the discussion I decided it would be appropriate to share my experience in a blog, and in the process clarify what I’m experiencing and learning, and generate discussion on some pretty important topics. In the end I’m hoping we all benefit.

I believe as we all approach (and some pass) midlife, that I’m not the only person reexamining life, and asking similar questions. I don’t really want this blog to become a focus on me, but rather my hope is it will give us an opportunity to bring together our shared experience and examine specifically what it means to be happy, what it looks like to be happy, why its important to be happy, and how we might eventually increase the level of our personal happiness. I’m happy to share what I learn and I would encourage you to do the same. I would anticipate we would each bring our historical experience and learning, but I also hope we can bring in new ideas as well, and maybe even challenge some of the dogmas we've allowed to creep in. I'm new at blogging so be patient. Besides just getting your comments to my entries, I'd also welcome blog entries directly from you . If you want to send them to me in email, I'll review them and if I think they contribute to the overall objective I'll post them. I realize this is a religiously charged topic and religion will enter into the discussion, especially since most of us are in the LDS faith, however keep in mind not everyone participating will be of the same faith and we want to encourage all points of view.

So why is the site URL “the-dharma-karma?” Dharma and Karma are principles within the Buddhist teachings. As you might already know, Buddhism can be seen as a study of personal happiness. There is no direct English translation of “Dharma” and it is used in many ways. For our purposes I’ll define it as: "any behavior or understanding that protects one from experiencing suffering and its causes." I believe suffering in and of itself is not the cause of unhappiness. To me there is suffering, or trial/weakness, that God puts in our path to help us grow and learn. I’ve seen many people experiencing this kind of suffering who are happy, sometimes because of this very suffering. Then there is self-created suffering that serves us little but to bring unhappiness. Therefore I added “Karma” to distinguish between the two. Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others. So “The Darma Karma” is a way of saying we are ultimately responsible for our own state of happiness or misery. I don’t want you to think by using these terms I’m restricting our discussions to the teaching of Buddha. Although I think there is much to learn about happiness from Buddhism, the reality is “The Darma Karma” conveyed the meaning I wanted and rhymes!

In the next blog posting I’ll start to share my recent experiences, decisions and self discoveries.